Covid – On the Trail Back to Me

Has it only been a handful of months since we first heard the word Covid? Crazy! When that word became a reality, I don’t know about you, but I went into a bit of a tail spin. I am slowly adjusting, if one can ever really adjust to this but it’s been quite the long haul. How did you react? What’s your Covid road been like? Today’s blog post is about my experience so far….Covid – On the Trail to Back to Me.

To be clear…

First, I must make something very clear. The Covid Virus hasn’t entered our house, nor the house of anyone we know. So far, so good. There may be some of you reading this post, who have dealt with Covid in a very personal way, or have lost loved ones to this horrible virus. I am so sorry.

If I’ve learned one thing in the last few months, it’s there for the grace of God (or whomever you put into that space), go any of us. No one is immune. There are no guarantees. My heart goes out to each and every one effected in some way by Covid.

At the Beginning

When I heard the first faint rumblings of the Corona Virus hitting parts of Asia, tiny little alarm bells went off somewhere deep in my brain, but I (shamefully) thought it would be stopped long before it ever arrived on this continent, in my country, or finally in my back yard. I was wrong.

This invisible-to-the eye enemy just kept creeping across the planet until it pretty well took over.

Incredible.

Oh I’ve learned a lot. And I’ve eaten a lot of humble pie.

Where Were You?

Where were you when Covid hit? This will be the question we ask each other for years to come.

My good man and I were on holiday on the Big Island of Hawaii. I remember sitting by the pool, spinning through my Twitter feed; by turns incredulous, terrified, and mesmerized.

I scanned all the news sources I could find. The information changed constantly. I have never felt so far away from home. And the more I found out, the more I wanted to get home, gather our whole family together, stock up on provisions and lock the door.

If this had been a ride, I would have demanded to be let off.

If this had been a movie, I would have walked out, popcorn and all.

But there was and is no escaping this.

I Froze

Though our trip home was not without adventure, we arrived safe and sound. For weeks after, I just sat on my duff and scrolled through Social Media. I was in shock. My home became a fortress and I stayed put. I didn’t want to cook. My sleep was effected. I was eating lots of garbage food. Covid was pretty well the only thing I talked about. I was obsessed.

I stopped writing in my Daily Journal. There was no desire for any playing in my studio. I quit making shadow boxes. Not being able to see my grandkids or my parents was tougher than tough. I dried up. I’m sure some of you can relate. It was hell.

What I Thought I Knew

At the beginning, I felt pretty confident we would get Covid under control toute suite. We needed to wash our hands a lot and stay away from others. Just follow the new rules. The general agreement was if the whole country shut things down for a couple of weeks we would soon be back to normal.

Choices Became Simple

I noticed choices that may have taken days to decide pre-Covid required a lot less internal debate. Even when I tried to make things complicated I couldn’t! Any decision boiled down to answering these two questions:

Is it safe ?

Do I really need to do this or can it wait?

My 2020 Decision Maker

Certainly eliminated a lot of hemming and hawing! What’s important rose to the top, just like cream on a jug of raw milk..

A New Mantra

Like most of us I imagine, having a safety protocol became first and foremost..

This became my mantra.

“Sanitize, Mask, Social Distance, Stay Home.”

Repeat

my 2020 mantra

Remembering to sanitize, when to sanitize, how to interact with others…it was hard to keep it all straight! I lost my joy for going out into the world. It was easier to just stay home. So I did.

An Added Vulnerability

And here was a dose of reality I didn’t need or want but Covid forced me to face. I’m (gulp) a senior. I’ve always treated the fact that I’m 65 as a fact, yes, but certainly not my definer. I like to think I’m a young, kinda-healthy, kinda-with-it person regardless of my age.

Here’s the kicker on that idea…. Covid could care less how I see myself. The bottom line was that being 60 plus meant I fit into the high risk category. I still have trouble accepting it.

I am behaving, but I can be grumpy about it. Humble pie.

A Gift

Two weeks passed, and then another two weeks. And then it was a couple of months. I stayed in my chair and waited. When Spring arrived, it was a gift this year like no other. Watching those beautiful little spring green leaves burst forth, and seeing the birds fuss about looking for food and building nests, I realized that Covid had not made one difference to the natural world. It kept rolling on, doing its thing. I found great comfort in that. And it helped me get some perspective.

A Shift

Those busy little birds became my role models. I started feeling small shifts in my spirit. I wanted to go for a walk. Snooping in the garden to watch for perennials returning became a ritual. I began thinking about picking up seeds for the garden. One step at a time, I started back on the trail to the me that went missing.

Covid’s Still Here

Here we are several months later, and we are not any closer to being finished with Covid. We are wearing masks and sanitizing, creating cohort groups and practicing social distancing, with no end in sight. It’s called ” The New Normal”. Sigh….

Covid continues to be a risk to our health and even our sanity. Kindness is so important now. Kindness and Compassion.

A Big Pill to Swallow

It was a big pill to swallow when I realized I couldn’t make anyone prepare for Covid in the way I thought was best. What an eye opener for a control freak like me! Through trial and error, I’ve learned to stay quiet unless asked. People are dealing with this virus in many different ways. Some people are risk takers and some are not. Covid has given me lots of opportunities to practise staying on my own side of the street.

These Days

Things are improving for me. I do an internal scan most mornings before my feet even hit the floor. “How’s this day going to be?” is the general gist of the inquiry.

Somedays I feel my old bouncy self, raring to get up and get going, and other days not so much. I’m happy to say, that more and more my good days are out-numbering my sit-in-the-chair days.

I’m learning not to beat myself up if I’m low-energy . I take the day as it shows. It is what it is… and I trust it will pass. We are living through an unprecedented experience. No wonder some days aren’t easy.

These Covid Days have made me much more forgiving of myself.

“We can never obtain peace

in the outer world until

we make peace with ourselves.

Dalai Lama

It’s Not the Good Old Days, but I’ll Take It

I’d be lying if I said my life is even close to what it used to be. Those beautiful long ordinary days I took for granted, oh how I miss them.

But things are picking up. I’m finding my mojo again. My good man and I have had a few very safe dinners out. We’ve had family and friends in small numbers visit us on our patio …”socially distanced and byob”. Small cohorts have formed within our family. Moving back into this Blog is huge for me. A couple of weeks ago I thought I’d never do this again, and now here I am. Small steps. But good ones.

Grateful

And a Good that has come out of all this is how GRATEFUL I am. I have always been proud to live in Canada, but never more grateful than I have been these last months. I am grateful for my home and my family, grateful for the food in the fridge, grateful for a pleasant day for a walk, grateful for our health system, grateful…grateful…grateful.

The gist of all this?Covid impacted me in ways I never expected. I was stopped in my tracks for awhile, but I’m on the trail to back to me, step by step.

I’m wishing you all well during these Covid times, wherever you may be on the journey.

Talk soon. Keep safe.

Lynn